kip@withunderneath:~/diary$ ls entries/
> uncomfortable _
sept 4 2025
I keep my past in my top drawer.
My past comes in the form of an old, crusty black laptop that I've had since I was young. This wasn't my first device, not by a long shot, but it is perhaps the device that I've used for the longest, and it is definitely the one with the most archived information about me on it.
This information isnt anything particularily useful, but it is undoubtly about me. I have crammed hundreds of thousands of images and files onto that computer. I've used up all the storage I had. I was somewhat of a digital hoarder. I obsessively saved every image that interested me, archived every poem I liked, wrote probably hundreds of lists and organized them into folders and subfolders. I'd screenshot conversations, or social media posts, and I'd save those, too.
I know all of this is on there, but I haven't seen it in a long time. I've been looking away. I've refused to go into my pictures folder. I've ignored the slow, dragging speed of my searches, weighed down by 300gb of memories. Most of my teenage life is on there, carefully archived. All of my interests. All of the things that made me who I was. Who I no longer think I am.
I've been in somewhat of an ongoing identity crisis my entire adult life, which is to say the past three years. Before that, even. When I was younger, think late middle school, early highschool years, I was in a very dark place. I was experiencing heavy, heavy depersonalization. I had absolutely no clue who I was. I thought of myself as a robot for a period of time, mimicking the humans around me. I was so utterly disconnected with my humanity. But, little did I know that my identity then was stronger than it would be now. I'm thankfully more grounded in reality these days, but I do not know who I am. I try to find pieces of myself in the things I like and come up empty. I feel like a shell. I feel as though I am just beginning.
I have been feeling a strange hopefulness these past few months which is entirely unfamiliar to me but welcome. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about myself which is nothing new but these days the thoughts are more focused on who I am rather than what I hate about myself. I feel a bit like I am slowly falling in love with myself. The other day I read an old diary entry from when I was fifteen and instead of cringing like I usually do when I'm presented my past self -- not typically out of disgust but rather an awkward shame that I find hard to put into words -- I just felt sorry.
I'd like to go on and on but I'm running out of time. What I'm trying to say is this: I think it's time to go back to who I used to be. I think I want to spend time with my younger self and remember who I was. Even if that's not me anymore, I don't really know who me is anyway. But I don't know how I can go forward and find who I am now if I keep blocking out who I was then.
> what the hell _
aug 28 2025
wow it's been a while since i wrote!
honestly i couldn't even tell you what i did in between the last time i updated and now, but I can offer the broad strokes. I quit my job making sandwiches and got a new job as an office assistant at my college. Classes started, so I've been settling into my new routine. It's still the first week -- technically it's not even over yet -- but today (thursday) is my last day of classes until next week. Some observations i've made so far: College is much, much different than highschool. I'm sure you didn't need me to tell you that, and really I already knew that, but it still surprised me. There's a level of independence and respect that I'm honestly not used to. I'm only new still, so I'm sure there's also another layer of expectation, since I did choose to be here and all. But that's fine.
Everyone here is really nice and friendly, by which I generally mean the faculty as that's who I've interacted with the most, but all the interactions ive had with my fellow students has also been very nice. I feel less anxious than I did in highschool, as well. There's an innate sense of belonging that was somewhat lacking when I was younger. Maybe it's because we're all choosing to be here, instead of forced? Maybe it's because I'm genuinely excited? Whatever it is, I'm having a great time.
I'm actually writing this from a study room right now. It's only my second day of classes but I'm already trying to make the most out of my resources. Lol, as I was writing that another student knocked on the door and gave me a mini heart attack thinking I was in the wrong room for a moment. Anyways, yeah, it's been really great so far. Including work! I love the freedom here. I do wish I was a bit more confident so I could participate more, but my social awkwardness and anxiety still chokes me regardless of how self aware I might be. I'm sure that's something that will be beat out of me, considering one of my classes is a dance history course in which the professor is really into class interaction. I had to stand in front of everyone else today and do an awkward, stilted movement -- not on purpose, mind you, i just have no rhythm and am taking the course for the credits -- with two other very nice girls that represented 'time'.
Everyone else, or at least most other people, seem just as awkward as I feel which has slightly lessened my anxiety. I hope as time goes on I'll be more confident and eventually able to fully participate. I also met a very nice girl in one of my classes and briefly talked to her as we were walking towards our respective destinations; hers to the tech lab, mine the library. She complimented me multiple times, which was nice.
Another student walked over here -- *am* I in the wrong room? I'm almost 99% sure I'm not.
Whatever, it's fine. I have the room until 7:15 and it's just after 5PM as I write this. I'm going to go watch the trailer park boys now, because I thought I had homework to do when I in fact, do not.
> what the hell _
july 11 2025
well, i havent updated this site in a bit.
life has been a bit crazy. i sorta got with one of my guy friends the night before he left for over a year, so i've been feeling weird about that. my depression has kind of caught up with me. also, i finished a show i was watching recently (ugly betty) and have been feeling terribly out of sorts ever since because it was just a routine for me to watch it and now it's like ok... what am i supposed to watch. nothing else is interesting lol.
i've been going through my minecraft phase recently but it's highlighting something i really hate about myself: my inability to commit. i've been bouncing around modpack from modpack, save to save, hardly getting anywhere into the game before packing up to the next one. i also hate putting effort into anything, so i end up getting bored and cheating half the time. i really do love minecraft and i do enjoy the core gameplay loop, but im unmedicated adhd and my #1 idea of fun is lying in bed on my phone, so having to focus on a task for a long time sort of kills me. especially in a game like minecraft where i know it inside and out and its so easy to cheat lol. i've been playing for half of my life at this point.
anwyays, this is a common thing with most things im interested in. i pick something up for a few days, then forget about it. i did it with this blog, and i do it with nearly everything. i have a lot of surface level interest in things but i lack any deep knowledge because i simply dont stick around long enough. this pattern reflects itself in my relationships as well. if i sound insufferable, it's probably because i am. i wish i knew how to fix this part of myself, because it's one of my least favorites, but my crippling fear of vulnerability means i refuse to be honest in therapy and so it will probably never be fixed.
anyways, i might update the site a bit more soon. tho nobody is reading this lol, ik. just been a bit sad and lost lately. hoping things will start making sense again soon.
> lonely _
july 2 2025
my life is looking up from the outside. i mean, im going to college soon, so that's worth something. i have a lot of shit i still need to do that im procrastinating, but at the very least an argument could be made in my favor.
but im unhappy. deeply so. im just an unhappy person. i like to think of myself as friendly and someone who can get along with anyone, anywhere, because that's kind of true once i settle in. I always find my people wherever I go. but i cannot maintain friendships. im selfish and slightly narcisstic (or maybe too harsh on myself and insecure -- who knows?) and i dont text people back, even if i know i should.
with my friends i know in real life, it's a lot easier. but with my online friends, the pattern has always been the same. Always. We become friends, and it's awesome, we get really close and they love me because I'm hilarious and kind and I always respond. Then, after a week or so, I start to get comfortable. My curse sets in.
my lifelong depression has turned me self aware to the point that all im able to think about is myself. how i act. how im percieved. trust me, its just as annoying to live with as it is to constantly hear about, and it's the thing i hate the very most about myself.
i also pull away. i dont respond, and when i do, its not the same as i used to be.
i guess the point of this is to vent my feelings about how weird all of my internet friendships are, and how ive gotten closure for practically none of it. there are so many people out there that i know so deeply and personally, who i love and carry their secrets and fears and successes with me to this day, who i will probably never talk to ever again. I had a friend who I was so close to I saw him as my older brother. I told him everything and i looked up to him. this was when i was younger, i was thirteen, and whenever i thought of the future i always imagined him in it. im twenty now and havent spoken to him in years but i still think about him frequently. the funniest part about this all is the person who sent the last message was him. he reached out to me on tumblr; we talked, a bit, and then i stopped responding.
like i always do.
and there was another girl who i was close to. id say she was probably my closest friend. she knew things about me that not even my closest irl friend knows. shes been with me for years, back when i was 15 and insufferably depressed, and she's put up with more than she deserves.
she's stopped responding to me, which i can't blame her for. it hurts, definitely, but it's not like we're back in 2020. things are different now. we're not as close. it's just that it always ends this way, and i'm so tired of it, ruining everything with these people whom i love and care for in slow motion, time and time again.
i made friends with some people on twitter and most of them are younger than me. one of them, a sixteen year old girl - or is she seventeen now? - and i say girl solely to avoid saying her name, because namedropping anyone in my neocities blog post feels like too much. anyways, i've always been careful with how close i get to her because of how young she is, but i think she must really like me because i deleted twitter a while ago and she's the only one who still reaches out to me. and it makes me feel like shit everytime. we're both aware of how flakey i am. but she doesnt stop texting. she doesnt give up. and god, it makes me sick with guilt, because i remember being her age and being the same way and i know that i'm hurting her like all of these other people i have with my inconsistiences but she won't just give up on me.
of course, i would never say any of this to her, as it's my burden to bear as the adult and i'm always kind to her when i catch her messages. im not gonna make a teenager responsible for my feelings. i was always friends with people much older than me as a kid and young teenager and thats one thing i wish they would have done for me.
honest to God im not sure where i'm going with this. ive just been feeling really, really weird and sad these past few days about anything and everything. i think im unsettled because 1. i stopped taking my meds (stupid) and 2. my life has always been a mess but its about to change soon so all the messy parts feel amplified 3. im 20 and still havent gotten my shit togeteher.
im just lonely and i feel so disconnected with the internet. which is upsetting, because i grew up on the internet. the internet has always been my safe space. its where ive always gone when times have gotten hard. but the internet has changed and so have i and things just arent the same anymore. im not the same anymore. is that what this is all about?
> someone almost died outside of my work today _
june 28 2025
its been a stressful day.
for one, i thought i was going to have to work alone. thannkfully that was not the case. there was a man sitting outside of my job for hours today and around seven thirty we noticed he was on the floor. my coworker and another customer went to check on him and between the time they went out there and the paramedics got to us, he had stopped breathing.
It's not the first time the cops or the paramedics have come to my job, but it's the first time it's been for anything serious. it's strange how you're expected to just go back to work after watching something like that. thank God, he was alright and they got him back, but i've been on edge ever since. where my job is at it's not strange to see homeless people or people on drugs, and i always try to be kind to them and help them out by giving them some free food or a drink, but i just wish there was more i could do.
other than that, nothing too crazy has happened. i got my new laptop today, which was exciting and then frustrating because windows is my mortal enemy. honestly im just ready to go to bed. i hope that man is okay and gets the help he needs.
> my first post _
june 27 2025
hello! :)
this is my second attempt at making a website. my first one was very cute but a little above my skill set and was causing me a lot of frustration. this one is a lot simpler, which i'm embracing, because i'm an absolute noob.
i've always wanted to create a website like this, though, and for some reason i'm called to do it. i'm at a weird part of my life and i'm finding that i don't have a lot of my usual outlets. i've never had a very big presence on social media but recently i've almost entirely cut back from it.
besides instagram, where i keep in touch with a lot of my friends, i rarely use social media anymore. i've felt sort of adrift because of this and disconnected compared to the days of yore when i was in fifteen groupchats on kinstagram and getting myself into brain altering situations on the internet.
i have a large digital footprint and with every account i've ever made there's another identity and another expectation. i've been too scared to even touch any of that, honestly, because i'm 20 now and remember very little from my teenage years and before. im also starting college in a month or so and my life is changing very fast.
i guess i'm looking for some sort of anchor, and this site will be my attempt at creating that. :)