> lonely _
july 2 2025
my life is looking up from the outside. i mean, im going to college soon, so that's worth something. i have a lot of shit i still need to do that im procrastinating, but at the very least an argument could be made in my favor.
but im unhappy. deeply so. im just an unhappy person. i like to think of myself as friendly and someone who can get along with anyone, anywhere, because that's kind of true once i settle in. I always find my people wherever I go. but i cannot maintain friendships. im selfish and slightly narcisstic (or maybe too harsh on myself and insecure -- who knows?) and i dont text people back, even if i know i should.
with my friends i know in real life, it's a lot easier. but with my online friends, the pattern has always been the same. Always. We become friends, and it's awesome, we get really close and they love me because I'm hilarious and kind and I always respond. Then, after a week or so, I start to get comfortable. My curse sets in.
my lifelong depression has turned me self aware to the point that all im able to think about is myself. how i act. how im percieved. trust me, its just as annoying to live with as it is to constantly hear about, and it's the thing i hate the very most about myself.
i also pull away. i dont respond, and when i do, its not the same as i used to be.
i guess the point of this is to vent my feelings about how weird all of my internet friendships are, and how ive gotten closure for practically none of it. there are so many people out there that i know so deeply and personally, who i love and carry their secrets and fears and successes with me to this day, who i will probably never talk to ever again. I had a friend who I was so close to I saw him as my older brother. I told him everything and i looked up to him. this was when i was younger, i was thirteen, and whenever i thought of the future i always imagined him in it. im twenty now and havent spoken to him in years but i still think about him frequently. the funniest part about this all is the person who sent the last message was him. he reached out to me on tumblr; we talked, a bit, and then i stopped responding.
like i always do.
and there was another girl who i was close to. id say she was probably my closest friend. she knew things about me that not even my closest irl friend knows. shes been with me for years, back when i was 15 and insufferably depressed, and she's put up with more than she deserves.
she's stopped responding to me, which i can't blame her for. it hurts, definitely, but it's not like we're back in 2020. things are different now. we're not as close. it's just that it always ends this way, and i'm so tired of it, ruining everything with these people whom i love and care for in slow motion, time and time again.
i made friends with some people on twitter and most of them are younger than me. one of them, a sixteen year old girl - or is she seventeen now? - and i say girl solely to avoid saying her name, because namedropping anyone in my neocities blog post feels like too much. anyways, i've always been careful with how close i get to her because of how young she is, but i think she must really like me because i deleted twitter a while ago and she's the only one who still reaches out to me. and it makes me feel like shit everytime. we're both aware of how flakey i am. but she doesnt stop texting. she doesnt give up. and god, it makes me sick with guilt, because i remember being her age and being the same way and i know that i'm hurting her like all of these other people i have with my inconsistiences but she won't just give up on me.
of course, i would never say any of this to her, as it's my burden to bear as the adult and i'm always kind to her when i catch her messages. im not gonna make a teenager responsible for my feelings. i was always friends with people much older than me as a kid and young teenager and thats one thing i wish they would have done for me.
honest to God im not sure where i'm going with this. ive just been feeling really, really weird and sad these past few days about anything and everything. i think im unsettled because 1. i stopped taking my meds (stupid) and 2. my life has always been a mess but its about to change soon so all the messy parts feel amplified 3. im 20 and still havent gotten my shit togeteher.
im just lonely and i feel so disconnected with the internet. which is upsetting, because i grew up on the internet. the internet has always been my safe space. its where ive always gone when times have gotten hard. but the internet has changed and so have i and things just arent the same anymore. im not the same anymore. is that what this is all about?